I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing.

Some may remember the 1970s anthem based on the Coke advert (originally Id like to buy the world a coke), where fresh faced youngsters gather on a hilltop in multi-racial togetherness. This was a hit in 1973?? For the New Seekers (pub quiz boy is never far from the surface) – and includes the line (at least as I remember it) of ‘I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony, ...grow apple trees and honey bees and snow white turtle doves…’ ……. Short pause as the sick bucket is located…….

Putting aside the merits of ad based, optimistic, post Vietnam, sugarpop lyrics it does seem that there is a significant chance that we will indeed after seeking live in Harmony – this being the name of the house we are hoping to secure for the remainder of our tour of duty in Bangalore. I am told that until recently the particular neighbourhood was habituated only by movie starts and test cricketers – so we will come a something of a shock to the system – Chester –le – Street has many virtues but no-one would ever call it glamorous. The idealistic feel of the house is somewhat coloured by the ongoing negotiations around pest control, water pumps and back up generators to cover the frequent black outs – but then these were also a feature of the early 70s so perhaps it is really quite appropriate.

If it all comes off it will be a small wrench (8mm hex head) to move on from our south Bangalore temporary accommodation and its environs. Abandoned last night by Mrs Reiver for a business ‘Drinks and Nibbles’ do which surely hovered in the well named ‘corridor of uncertainty’ between A Proper Drink and A Proper Feed – I set out for a local hostelry ‘Legends of Rock’. I experienced a small but precious period of calm for about 5 minutes as the beer and bio-rythyms magically aligned.

• There was Calamari with chilli sauce,
• Billy Joel singing about ‘the microphone smells like a beer’
• VVS Laxman and Ghandir pasting the Australian bowling attack all over the park on the TV
• Gently flashing lights (partially courtesy of ‘power shedding’)
• A warm evening breeze wafting over the roof terrace and mixing with the raucous sounds of the street below
• And the place was effectively untroubled by any other patrons

Such micro-glimpses of a relaxed – I don’t do crowds - future here have given me some hope and and slightly hestitant stomach this morning.

The Big Bang - Finally

You will have of course noticed the huge build up to ' big bang' day last month followed by he subsequent coolant leakage problems in the Hadron Collider which have now shut it down for several months. India is experiencing no such problems - it is Diwali - the festival celebrating the triumph of light over darkness - typified by the letting off of random fireworks over a four day holiday. There were big bangs for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and as shown in the picture late evening drinks on the balcony - this may of course be the holiday festival equivalent of horn honking as they seem to go for loudness rather than artistic impression in the fireworks stakes. However in a strange echo of my Newcastle youth, there are multiple temporary store encouraging us to 'light up the sky with Standard Fireworks'

We spent the Indian equivalent of Christmas eve viewing a house, which in a strange version of 'A Wonderful Life' may prove to be our redemption. In contrast to the 'look at how flash and impressive I am' flats we have seen so far this was a house actually designed for living in - with a sofa swing on the bedroom balcony, and room for a hammock in the garden. It may have been an allegorical illusion but we are hoping that it will become tangible in the very hear future. We may be fooling ourselves - and indeed Mrs Reiver did declare the baked mushrooms last night to be 'magic' so who knows - but if houses could talk this one was saying - ' Howway son - sit down for a pint and bit of a chat - bonny lad'

Dozing Dogs and Englishmen......

‘Four walls do not a prison make nor iron bars a cage’ – somebody famous said (I know I am very poorly educated on literature but Mrs Reivers side of the family more than make up for this) – a building site outside your condo, gaping holes in the road, slippery mud smeared pavements, unpredictable violent showers, and stray camels do ensure something that can feel, if not like imprisonment, at least comfortable house-arrest. As I write it sounds as if the other inmates/business guests are being subjected to hard labour with the sound of breaking stones reverberating through the room – just like that bit in the library in the 3^rd Indiana Jones film - if you know what I mean.

In true British tradition there was only one course of action – form an escape committee. Since the nearest sane person was Mrs Reiver 10km away at her laboratory communing with her rabid monkeys – I had to make do with some personal reflection to form the plan. Tempting as it would be to find a forger, put bags of dirt down my trousers and check whether the fixer at Mr Reivers work resembled James Garner, I decided that the Great Escape tribute band would have to wait a while and more direct action was called for. I was going to go running some-where, anywhere!. Given what I have described about Bangalore streets this may seem a high risk course of action, but trust me when you are pounding away on the treadmill in the gym and one of the regular power cuts occurs it can be a hamstring tweaking and dis-orientating experience.

I had to make a critical decision given it was around midday – protect from the heat or protect from the bugs – I chose the latter so with my running legs, knee bandage, long sleeved top with thumb holes, and dragon sweatband I resembled a wannabe but somewhat shambling superhero candidate, more Charityshopfortysomething than Spiderman. Getting the driver to take me the 5km to Cubbon Park laid out during the Raj took only an hour – the traffic is getting better!

The park was populated by a mix of courting couples, sleeping workmen, working workmen, strolling office workers, drunks, religious devotees and dozing dogs basking in the sun. The reactions of all were consistent and unanimous – the circus has come to town – the mixture of surprise, interest and slight distain, most memorably exhibited by the sleeping dog on the roundabout where I did my ‘warm down’.made me smile properly for the first time in a couple of days. With the sweat dripping off me in a continuous stream and Ballroom Blitz by the Sweet blaring on the MP3 player the world seemed a lightly better place – my driver who had to contend with a very damp and somewhat smelly passenger on the way home did not seem quite so convinced!

It ain't half hot MUM

Acclimatisation is a strange thing – in the North East one way it manifests is thorough recognising that whenever you go swimming at Whitley Bay the sea will be almost literally freezing and cause that sharp intake of breath when gentlemen reach a certain level of immersion – especially with the traditional first dip over the Easter Weekend. The ‘temperate’ physical climate in Bangalore is one of the reasons it grew originally so that the British soldiers could be more comfortable but it tends to get lost in the teeming human eco-system. Cars, trucks, buses, bicycles, pedestrians, handcarts, dogs, cows, goats, rubbish, discarded food, random building materials, all coexist on a typical road or pavement, - though the distinction between the two here is pretty nominal at best. I am hoping that the distinction will at least be observed for a while next Sunday morning as I am braving a local 5k run @ 7am (yes 7 am!!) – those who are about to get very very sweaty salute you.

I hope the course is well marked out as it appears that they don’t do maps here – navigation to anywhere unknown is done more on the AAPARD ( ask a passing Auto-Rickshaw Driver), an address or map with the location marked on it generally just results in a blank look from your driver – travelling hopefully is definitely the watchword. After such a journey on Sunday to try and find Fabindia’s flagship store in Koramangala - which turned out to be nett journey of ca 1 mile which took the best part of an hour – we were pleasantly surprised to find the it was indeed both Fab and Indian. Mrs Reivers shopping genes kicked in (purely therapeutic of course) and the experience was all the more enjoyable as we encountered the fastest folder in the East who was working the till and packed the clothes with speed and deftness that would shame a card sharp.

India will continue to be full of surprises I am sure not all pleasant – but in full cross cultural mode we are now looking forward to Oktoberfest here which will be celebrated in November – nah unglaublich aber wahr – as we say here - MfG - Dave

15 Days and 14 Nights

I decided that it would not be particularly helpful to spend too long contemplating the view from my bedroom window (encl), so instead I thought: So you have now been in Bangalore for a typical Holiday period - what would you recommend to the potential visitor as the must dos???

Must Dos - Border Reiver Style

1. Coffee at the Leela Palace - this '7 star' hotel is so over the top it must be seen, but consistent with Indian Maintenance standards though recently built is starting to show some signs of wear and tear - go for the Barista coffee in the grounds

2. Dinner at i-t-Alia in the Park Hotel - it is a haven of simplicity in an overelaborated and not-thought-through city, and the food is fantastic - just make sure that you don't have to sit close beside business diners talking loudly and in an ill-informed manner about their plans and the world economy?

3. Try the 'curry' cocktails at the i-bar (no I am not on a retainer from the Park Hotel) they just make you want to eat/cook, the Indian wines can be a little more shall we say variable

4. Look where you are walking: the pavement may contain unexpected gaps, cow-pats, sleeping itinerants, discarded guava and occasionally even pavement

5. Bring a sound recorder and ear plugs - it is never quiet but you can have lots of fun when you get home trying to identify the strange half organic - half industrial noises which pervade the nights here

6. Embrace the chaos of the traffic - don't try to fight it - the concept of a pedestrian crossing is just another moving target - perhaps there is a niche product for personal horns for pedestrians here so that they can fully join in the game of 'Honk-opoloy' - do not pass anything without honking

7. Do bring several good books and an i-pod for the time you will spend in traffic jams

8. Do bring a very good pen as you will need to sign innumerable forms which you will probably never see again - form signing here is a bit like a refined local art form as a ritualised dance. It is a bit like watching a play in a foreign language - you can get the sense of it and appreciate some of the better flourishes, but probably never pick up the finer nuances of the bureaucratic performances

9. Take a pre-visit course on the origins and structure of marble and granite - so that you can while away the quieter moments appreciating your surroundings

10. Enjoy the 'department stores' - they are like Arkwrights emporium on speed and with extra security - the plastic kitchen goods are a delight - I treasure my lemon 'squasher'

Clearly sheep-stealing would have been on the list in Border Reiver tradition but have only seen cows and goats wandering the streets so far ......

Hairy Ginger and the Multiverse

Grocery shopping Bangalore style has a few tweaks compared to Chester-le-Street, but some similarities – maybe? We have now moved from our city centre hotel out into a serviced apartment (with a kitchen HUZZAH!) in the suburbs of Bangalore. The area (we are assured) is a sought after and hip place with lots going on – we will see. Following the transfer from the hotel and a brief but violent thunder storm I set forth seeking provisions for our first home made meal in India (if you don’t count Pringles and Cheese bought from the Gourmet shop by the cricket ground).

The following list covers encounters on the trip – try and spot which are similar to Chester – le – Street.

1. There was a cow grazing in the road as I walked out of the condos
2. Cars were axle deep in the puddles
3. There was a strong smell of sulphur as I crossed over the bridge over the ‘river’
4. I passed two gentlemen urinating in the street
5. I passed (but perhaps should have stopped at) a roadside stall frying crisps from all sorts of veg and fruit
6. I had to walk through an airport style metal detector to get into the supermarket
7. They tried to take my shopping bags off me as I went in so that I couldn’t use them for shopping
8. David Beckham beamed down on me as I walked back
9. The ginger was hairy and the lemons like golf balls
   

Perhaps I have landed in a world which is indeed one of the Chester le Streets but just in an alternate universe or just how it seems after a bad pie on a Friday night.

The consolation is that the food is very cheap here, but my sources tell me that turnips were reduced to only 3p at Tescos in Chester-le-Street last Friday, so not sure…

A Funny Game of Marbles

House/flat hunting in Bangalore is a real team task – you need a company minder plus a realtor, plus driver plus two or three people at each house/flat just to hang around as you look around – clearly a spectator sport second only to Cricket. When you get there basically all there is to see is lots of marble – and a few exposed electrical cables they are big on marble floors! But not marble bathrooms. Some of the places may be really quite nice when finished – but I am not sure that they have the same conception of finished as I do. Perhaps the problem needs to be reframed and these huge soulless marbled floored spaces could ( with a compressor and a few hours with a drill) be turned into a giant ‘air hockey’ table where you could use household objects as pucks and create your own domestic 2D Brownian motion effect. Maybe I spent too long in the sun yesterday or it the concept could well end up on the Turner prize shortlist next year probably as installation art as a continuous loop film.

A retention of some appreciation of the absurd is probably key to staying sane in Banglaore plus odd touches and glimpses just link you instantly to home. Example: the arts centre with potential that we visited a few days ago was liberally equipped with proggy mats, which also abounded in the houses of my extended family across rural Northumberland. For those unfamiliar with Northumberland dialect I suggest adding ‘Larn Yorsel Geordie’ to your reading list – example usage ‘Divnt drop your dottle on the proggy mat hinny’. Hindi lessons may beckon quite soon but as you can see I am already multi-lingual so that helps.

The other thing that helps is really good food – I have often said that white chocolate should be available on the NHS – but I may need to see if a regular visit to i-italia at the Park Hotel can be added to our local prescriptions.

Off for brekkie with ‘wor lass’, D

Festival Fenders!

Bank holidays in the UK are typically characterised by repeats on TV, jammed out of town shopping centres and unseasonal rain - and these are the good ones. In India in contrast the flowers come out garlanding doors, chalked on pavements, and draped over the fronts of Auto-rickshaws, Cars, and Buses. This really does lend a festive air to the streets, however this doesn't extend to the driving style which is even more distracted and chaotic - if that is possible.

5 star hotels are all fine and good, but when Mrs Reiver flops through the door after a long day sometimes she needs emergency treatment - for her this means ideally Cheese and fast.... the hotel restaurant which refused to serve us an early dinner last night certainly impaired its future trade. In order to mitigate future risk I trawled the streets today and sourced emergency Pringles and cheese, which now rests happily in the mini-bar: as small but reassuring symbol of home - the cheese not the mini-bar! It is unlikely that even the most boutique of hotels would recreate the randomised under the stairs wine cellar from home.

After a week in the country it all feels strangely familiar, with the extreme contrasts and noisy backdrop inherent in every day becoming the norm. The house-hunting starts in anger over the next couple of days - for me its not location, location, location but kitchen, kitchen, kitchen - whilst creating a Indo-Geordie cookbook might have a huge natural readership - I plan to have fun experimenting - roll on the Tandoori stottie!

Cricket is a Serious Business

It is well known that they take cricket seriously in India, and Bangalore is the focus of attention as the 1^st Test vs Australia starts here this Thursday. There is additional interest as Sachin Tendulkar is within a reasonable knocks worth of Brian Lara’s world record for Test Runs, and Tendulkar loves playing against the Aussies. Even in the rather effete pastry shop in the hotel the Australian warm up game was on TV continuously.

The press and media attention is almost completely in contrast to the local advertising – passing by the ground you would never guess there is a Test on this week – compared to Chester le Street where after a ODI earlier this year the streets were strewn with distressed superheroes (in costume) bemoaning that they were not blessed with KPs talent with the bat. His talent with his mouth is less assured.

I am sure it will be very vibrant on the day – I still remember the noise (and the Tendulkar century) from a ODI vs Sri Lanka on the Padang in Singapore more than 10 years ago. I have also experienced intense Aussie national interest in cricket – having been in Australia working as a student during all of the 1981 ‘Botham’ Ashes series but I have to say the hoarding I saw coming out of a very comforting bookstore yesterday stopped me short. Just glancing at I though it must be something promoting road (or industrial) safety – but No just cricket.

If the cricket is as tasty as the build up I might just pop down the road and watch – strangely whilst moving halfway round the world I am still living less than a mile from a Test ground ??

Happy Feet ... but no Tardis!

I dont pay much attention to my feet, other than some TLC after my first Karate session earlier this year the occasional bout of toenail management is about as far as it goes - perhaps I have been missing out on something? Mrs Reiver returned from the spa last night after 75mins of feet pampering of a variety and ingenuity that was well beyond me and declared her feet to be officially 'Happy', and I was formally required to inspect their happiness - so Indians can do feet.

They can also do technology here: Bangalore is indeed the 'Silicon Valley' of India- I was recently at a conference in Gateshead (I do get to some exotic places) where they showed a video of a 'teleporting' demonstration by a large IT company where the CEO in the US was teleported into a conference in Bangalore - impressive! However we need this technology applied to the really important things in life - when you arrive with your 130kg of luggage to move to a different country clothes space can be a bit tight especially when your hotel room has one small wardrobe and no drawers. Clearly the Tardis wardrobe is an opportunity whose time has not yet come - but surely soon, surely soon!

Mrs Reivers happiness was however almost overflowing when we made our first visit to a local bookstore which had such a selection of stationary that she was almost mesmerised - it looks like here stationary habit as well as her spa habit may assert itself here.

Saturday Nights alright for Audrey

Saturday started slow as the whole transit to India week caught up with us both. Surfacing just after midday we set of with driver to get some photos and a mobile phone - 4 hours later we had both after spending 3hrs30mins in traffic and suffering a power cut in the first photo shop, and an abortive attempt to find the Goethe Institute. The latter was not driven by high cultural sensibilities but by the fact that it allegedly has a German Kaffee & Kuchen shop on its roof. This meant no food and the only thing in the world more dangerous than a hungry Border Reiver is a a hungry Border Reiver's wife. Arriving back at the hotel the waiter risked bodily injury suggesting to Mrs Reiver that she could not eat by the pool, and then was unwittingly close to serious damage by suggesting that the food we ordered would too much for us to eat - it didn't even touch the sides!. Somewhat restored we got ready for our first big Saturday night out in Bangalore the pub capital of India - which now appeared to be very foggy - this was only the daily fumigation apparently.
Mrs Reiver sensibly retired to the spa for some pampering - us Northumbrian boys don't do that sort of thing but there was a 'Warrior Massage' on the menu so maybe... Instead I prepared the evenings entertainment - a DVD from the hotels collection - tempted as I was by 'The Stepford Wines' in the end I settled for Audrey & Rex in My Fair Lady - which was deliciously delivered to the room on a mini movie tray (see photo) - party on Bangalore - woo hoo

Day 1 - Postscript

.... mmm did I take Bangalore by storm - not exactly.

First of all I concluded after about three hours of 5 star service looking after that I am not really cut out for the pampered expat trophy spouse lifestyle, no great surprise but still reassuring.

I got my basic infrastructure working - Indian Phone, and email, rescued the lost luggage. Feeling the need to break out I walked the streets a bit with only minor irritations being Rickshaw drivers pressing their services on me, chaotic traffic and pavements with enormous and unexpected gaping holes.

Familiarising myself withe the gym was a bit handicapped by the now lonely missing bag (6 of 6) still being held hostage containing my trainers, so I had to make to do with skating and cross training in my British Airways courtesy socks, which have now perhaps reached the end of their useful life.

Just as I am dripping profusely my wife turns up in the gym in her work regalia, as full of wonder and news as the first day at infants, so I have the pleasure of workout 2 (partly listening and partly checking that my just arrived trainers have not lost their magic on the treadmill)

Alfresco dinner by the pool beckons and after the first couple of mouthfuls of wine I realise I have had a few slices of Mango and cup of coffee all day- ooer - I make amends with the 'Graze' menu restoring the spirits enough to wearily capture these pre-prandial words.

When does the interesting exotic and challenging stuff start... ?

Day 1 as a trailing spouse

So you have packed your wife off to the Office at 0730 in the Kota Pyjamas bought yesterday as your luggage chose not to make the trip with you courtesy of BA, you return to the hotel room and start your life as a trailing corporate spouse.
Where do you start - there can be only one answer BBC Radio 4 - with the wireless broadband in the room working after last nights wrestling with our wonderfully named cyber-butler - there is a sudden surge of reassurance as the World Service gives way to the Shipping Forecast and then slips effortlessly via Prayer for the Day into Farming Today - the side effects of lungworm in the Scottish sheep flock and the impact on the Haggis industry always good to grab the attention.
But, with due deference to Dorothy, as my wife said last night 'We are not in Bellingham now Toto' so I guess I will need to embrace the bright and gridlocked Bangalore day............and then you realise that the juxtaposition of the title is not so unusual - George Macdonald Fraser (author of the Flashman books) was stationed in an Indian Regiment in Banaglore in 1946 and also wrote 'The Steel Bonnets (1971), a history of the Border Reivers of the Anglo-Scottish Border' ... its a small world - and a crowded one from the view from my hotel balcony - enough prevarication - hello India here I come!