The Last Post - Da Da Da Der Der Der...

As we now countdown to leaving for London at the end of the month one is forced to reflect on my time in Bangalore which can be couched (as used by a leading daily newspaper in London) in NUMBERS.

0 – Visits to Palm Meadows
1 - Broken Toe (Rugby)
2 - Parties at Harmony (possibly only 1.5 as I attended the second virtually)
2 – Appearances on TV
3 – Junior Armstrong visits to India
6 – Stitches in my leg (after being bitten by a probably rabid street dog whilst out running)
26 – Flights to Singapore, Simla, Edinburgh, Manchester, Orissa, London and Goa
52 – Blog Posts including this one
71 – Episodes of Deep Space Nine
103 – Episodes of Babylon 5
115 – Visits to the Leela Palace Gym
150 - Dream A Dream children coached every week
2352 - Passes completed in our U16 World record bid
19673 - Honking bumpy miles in our Innova
32300 - Rupees cost of immediate anti-rabies drugs needed following street dog bite
90500 - Rupees raised for youth rugby by Longest Try Event
560008 – Our postcode in India

What these numbers say is anyone’s guess – notwithstanding this I am still near perfect, in my prime, and although I can be complex, a bit odd and occasionally irrational – I still look forward to taking advantage of India’s greatest contribution to Maths ‘The Zero’ and starting from 0 and taking up the new challenges of London including job in Greenwich.

Lights Off – Lock Door – Darkness…..

The Sounds of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend

Another day ends in Bangalore as the thunder rumbles and the bats come out to do their crazy stutter fly bat stuff – a light blinks on my - mobile a txt alert about a concert at a new venue just round the corner – a Simon and Garfunkul Tribute Band – might as well give it a go

Ive come to talk with you again

Tried to check when the band was actually on but had a typically missing conversation on phone with the ‘promoter’, and the venue website was similarly unhelpful. Nonetheless turned up around the initial indicated time and though a soul-less space with utilitarian decoration, early 80s hall of residence style, it was filling up quickly with Bangaloreans on their way home and eager to party in a mellow way

And in the naked light I saw

Air Guitar, yes Air Guitar to S&G at the table next to use, accompanied by some seriously annoying knife drumming at the table behind us. You would have thought that perhaps the some strange narcotic had been slipped into something yielding a forced bon-homie.

People hearing without listening,

Never once did the Indian audience stop talking during the songs, and the waving of table flags to attract waiters developed a manic semaphore quality as the eclectic service started to fall apart

And no one dared

To admit that India’s answer to S&G were really bad – every song was played at a 33 rather than 45rpm pace, and that they had no stage presence and conveyed not a jot of emotion all evening. I shuddered as they lumbered into Bridge Over Troubled Waters which was like watching a slow motion train wreck with your feet encased in treacle.

Hear my words that I might teach you

The duo on stage had the slightly forced manically cheerful demeanour of childrens presenters
Simon – Do you know what a boxer is boys and girls?
Garfunkul - We do and we also know a song about it - shall we sing it for you?

They also felt the need to protect the kiddies from naughty words so that the boxer occasionally took refuge in the ‘gals’ on 7th avenue (back to TOTP 1964 Rolling Stones!) – though why they had to turn Parsley (in Strawberry Fayre) to Paisley is beyond me.


And the people bowed and prayed

And we left at half time only because it took 20 mins for the bill to come and a further 5 for the staff to add 10,2 and 2


And whispered in the sounds of silence.

As we enjoyed a peaceful read in bed having escaped tribute band hell, Mrs R with her Vampires and me with the Siege of Assaye in 1803. We will keep trying with entertainment here but I am very happy being Terry to Mrs Rs June

Goodnight All

Why I love India- ??

It might be becoming apparent that I am not universally positive or enthusiastic about all things Indian. Recent things that have got my goat have included a waiter trying repeatedly to persuade us to have lobster, the complete supply chain failure regarding Weetabix availability, the difficulty in peeling mangoes, Banaglore belly striking again, and the complete inability of people to admit when they don’t know the answer.
So in the spirit of acting myself into a new way of thinking – here goes with 10 things I really love about India:

1. Fillet steak is only £1-50 a lb when you can find it
2. Sitting out on the Verandah of an evening
3. Our garden is full of fruit and flower surprises on a daily basis
4. The gym is so exclusive that I have it too myself virtually every day
5. The price of books (if not the quality of printing)
6. The thunderstorms which are both striking and cleansing
7. The price and availability of all pharmecuticals
8. The time for reading and painting – even if I don’t put it to good use
9. Coaching the kids at Rugby especially the Dream a Dream group
But mostly
10. Mrs Reiver lives in the same place

In my attempts at painting various demons seem to be released by the artistic process here, so there are potentially some Indian spirits on the loose including the Tree Dragon pictured. Maybe I am starting to get in touch with my spiritual side or more likely I am assembling a virtual army to take on life in India. None-the-less I am doing my pre-reading for my son’s visit with Sharpe’s Tiger on the bedside table – and the rooms beside Tippoo Sultans palace on the Cauvery river booked – whether I am caught up by the spirit of Wellington during the visit we will have to see…..

Art for Arts Sake?

No for once this is not me reverting back to classic songs of the 1970s for a theme - this time its the Movies! Ars gratia artis beams out the slogan at the start of MGM films accompanied by a roaring lion. As far as I can find out MGM never made a Frankenstein movie – that franchise being started off by Universal Studios – but it was the sort of weather which inspired Mary Shelly – voll Donner und Blitzen – which finally got us going being creative in India last weekend.

An additional factor may have also been being reliably informed (via the News Quiz on R4) that you have to be under 50 to enter the Turner prize – so my time is limited. I could of course fall back on my creative history suggesting that the discount shopping habits at Tesco in Chester-le-Street which produced such eclectic delicacies as pear and haggis risotto were a form of performance art representing a searing indictment of modern consumerist society and the pressures to conform. Unfortunately I understand that the Turner committee has had an ‘Emperors Clothes’ moment and actually wants paintings and drawings – so I will have to stick to conventional media- although I was quite pleased with the complex and reflective pools of sweat I generated whilst recovering on the tiled verandah after running on hot afternoons.

The visual artistic force does not flow particularly strongly with the border reiver clan – artistic efforts seem to focus mostly on heroic songs about other borderers which they have beaten in battle – an ancient precursor to the rugby song perhaps?. The force is however strong on Mrs Reivers side of the family, who generously try not to laugh whenever I attempt anything and can make a ‘you are really improving’ go a long way. What did you produce with the elements providing a Shakepearean backcloth to your artistic efforts and the complex sights, sounds and smells of India putting your senses into overload I hear you ask. Well you know Boy- Northumberland – Northumberland Boy. Mrs Reiver painted the boats at Alnmouth and I painted the family cat Emma (illustrated). She may not quite be a Percy Lion, and is more of purrer than a roarer, but her ability to rule and protect her domain of the rug, bedspread and garden is worthy of any Reiver.

Bloggers Block

A boy from Northumberland coming to terms with life in India – so says the Blog title – well I seem to be at the point where I don’t have much to say about it. This doesn’t mean I have come to terms with it, and in a country with a billion people and an ancient history I clearly can’t have exhausted the experience. I guess the original shock and awe has worn off and become commonplace – not normal but regular. In this inspirational vacuum I can only report on a few things that have caught my attention or made me smile over the last week or so:

- Saw my first sheep running free on the streets – made me feel strangely at home
- Sign for a local educational establishment advertising itself as a Pre-University Collage – surely a much more sensible selection process than A* A levels – prepare a collage that exemplifies your approach to University and learning – much more taxing than a UCAS form!
- Security guards that protect our home and person in slippers
- Got taken out at rugby practice by a 25 kg 7 yr old dutch boy
- Made surprisingly good mango mousse – courtesy of my sisters advice
- Listening to Fighting Talk podcast in the gym
- The Indian elections – interminable and incomprehensible
- A plastic orange rampant stallion ‘sculpture’ that we were presented with by Indian guests
- I love the smell of burning coconuts in the morning
- We had tomatoes growing wild in our garden – quite yummy
- My sister wearing 5 layers whatever the weather
- Dr Ingrams sense of humour

We have chose to holiday in the UK forsaking the golden tropical beaches for Alnmouth – you can take the boy out of Northumberland but ……. Now where is my Percy Lion never mind all this Tippoos tiger stuff

A Cabinet for Trophies

Before the blogsphere rumour mill cartwheels out of control I need to let you know that the recent quiet window was down to a near fatally injured computer – this has now been resuscitated but is suffering some amnesia – I just hope my laptop doesn't take on the persona of that bloke from Memento which I watched on the plane back to India. Can computers get tattoos ??

Anyway back in Bangalore the highlight so far has been the smile on Mrs Reivers face when she was able to locate an old shower curtain to press into action for protecting the small balcony from the monsoonesque squalls. This will clearly be used as yet another justification for her 'Hoarders of the World Unite' campaign against ever throwing anything out as if she needs one!

I am settling (if that is the right word) back into my 'Trophy Husband' role – although the unkind question has been posed – if I was the trophy what was the second prize – some people honestly.

My TH day goes something like this:

0630 – Slip on my exotic tropical robe and prepare Mrs Rs orange juice and tea

0645 – Counsel Mrs R in the 'What Can I Possibly Wear Today' game

0700 – Make Mrs Rs brekkie

0715 – Find Mrs Rs shoes (the maid hides them somewhere new each day)

0720 – Wave off Mrs R then return to bed

0730 – Listen to midnight news on Radio 4 on internet

0800 – Read (at present Arthur and George, and Accordian Crimes with White War next in line)

0900 – Prepare myself for the day and pack gym bag

0930 – Try to slip out of the house without the driver or guard noticing (managed it this morning – sure makes you feel safe) and walk to gym

1000 – Through armed security and metal detectors into Gym in bowels on the Leela Hotel, greeted by 4 different flunkies en route

1015 – 1215 Sweat, grunt, drink lots of water, iced tea, watch strange daytime movies on the treadmill (ie From Hell), cope with the power cuts (lights go out and treadmill keeps going is interesting, as is it going pitch black when half way through final set on the bench press machine today)

1230 – 1430 Slip into my lounging clothes and go to pool, swim, lounge with the other refugees, read, avoid eating anything (they are having a laugh with their poolside prices)

1430 – Walk back to house and have daily conversation with Maid I (Hi Anandi – Hello Sir)

1500 – Light Facebook sparring and decide what to throw together for dinner

1530 – BR extreme cooking accompanied by yesterdays Front Row (R4) and another R4 from internet

1700 – Loiter on veranda in cane chairs aftermuch anti bug spraying, try to avoid brain going to mush by reading, online games, blogging, catch up Star Trek watching on lap top ….

1730 ish – Have daily conversation with Maid II (Going now Sir – Goodnight Anandi)

Sometime later – Telephonic therapy with Mrs Reiver about the injustices of her day

Between 30 and 90 minutes later – Mrs Reiver arrives home and domestic bliss ensues

But enough of this I have a veggie banquet to prepare for guests tonight so will have to park my trophyness on the shelf for today.

Windy Scores on the Doors

Exploring the aforesaid cerebral rotating equipment devices as we cruise at 35000 ft over the middle east on a flight back for quickie Easter R&R in the UK, it is timely to review my performance during Q1 2009. Utilising an established scorecard approach my self evaluation is as follows:




Outstanding
- My reading rate and breadth is growing almost exponentially, and I am even starting to enjoy some Indian books – 2 in the last week White Tiger and In Custody, and I am toying with a Hemingway and Lawrence habit
- My detailed knowledge of Star Trek the Next Generation is approaching geek level
- Celebrity watch – my rugby training is with international players, I now know personally a published author, and have appeared with Mrs Reiver in the gossip column of the local paper

Above
- My word search performance on Facebook is close to 10k (sad or what)
- My cooking has been generally declared as adequate by Mrs Reiver
- I am getting fully moneys-worth from our new gym membership and have achieved new personal bests in sweating
- Our housewarming was a success

On Target
- The essential chocolate and cheese supplies in the fridge have been maintained
- Blogging has been maintained despite a slight drying up of the well of inspiration
- Rugby coaching has developed to include refereeing with hand actions and everything, although whether the Indian kids can differentiate these from Heads and Shoulders Knees and Toes is open to question
- We now have cable TV

Poor
- New headband to cope with gym sweatiness makes me look like a refugee from Fame
- Duetting Hotel California with Mrs Reiver’s Boss at Karaoke was definitely a crime against music
- Being refused entry to new Military based rugby training facility because I was the wrong colour
- Spending the weekend helping Mrs Reiver review architects plans for various new toilets at her work

Below
- Tolerance of Indian traffic, work processes, power cuts, security guards etc etc has left me occasionally howling at the moon and shouting at motorbikes – does pedestrian rage exist??
- Visit to Singapore – plastic, plastic, plastic!
- The Alchemist (play at the Leela) and the Book – schrott, schrott, schrott
- There is nothing worthwile on cable TV
- My knees still not right after the great January rugby de-skinning

So the challenge for Q2 – as the song goes will be to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative and don’t mess with Mr In-Between. With IPL, T20 World Cup, Lions Tour and possible cooking/guitar lessons, Prince II training, new sports club, refereeing course and junior revier visit to come – all is not lost – as Mrs Reiver is fond of saying ‘80% of success is turning up’. As Brucie would have said ‘Good Game, Good Game’